Dear Fellow Parents,
I just wanted to write to let you know that it’s completely normal to feel guilty and uncomfortable, when your children are crying.
It’s the hardest thing on earth to see your children upset and it can be really stressful for you, too. I know this first hand as I’ve done this three times over. I also know it doesn’t get a lot easier as they grow older but if it’s any consolation, you do get a little wiser.
Fellow parents, I want you to understand that sometimes allowing your children to cry is part of how they learn to cope with stress.
As they grow and experience the world, they learn to self-soothe and how to express their emotions. Although not easy, your children’s discomfort as they struggle is an important part of growing up. And I promise that in the context of your loving relationship, some crying will not harm them, as they work through their struggle.
The fact is, Fellow Parents, that some stress can actually be good.
When kids experience manageable levels of stress like crying for short periods of time because of a struggle, it helps them to build resilience and learn how to handle their emotions. It’s a natural part of their development and of learning how to live in the real world. And you’re guiding them through this by being close by. This is called positive stress. It’s beneficial and it’s healthy. Harvard University’s Centre for the Developing Child state, “When a young child’s stress response systems are activated within an environment of supportive relationships with adults, these physiological effects are buffered and brought back down to baseline. The result is the development of healthy stress response systems”.
So, my Fellow Parents, please don’t be afraid when your children cry.
There will be many times in your children’s life when they will cry and it’s not your job to stop their tears every time. Also, please don’t be afraid of a ‘meltdown’. These episodes are not harmful to your children. They will get through them because just like a storm, there is always a beginning and an end. They don’t need you to stop them. They need you to be grounded; to wait and to be there for them when they are done. In fact, if you intervene in the process, it can actually end up prolonging their discomfort and hinder their learning.
Fellow Parents, your job is not to make your children happy all the time.
Instead, it’s about helping them feel safe and loved as they work through the hard things in life. You’re not doing anything wrong by taking a step back – quite the opposite. You’re teaching your children that it’s okay to have feelings that aren’t comfortable and that they’re safe to express them with you. That you love them and that you trust they can handle things. This is what it means to parent.
Most of all, be kind to yourself and know that your children will be okay.
You’re doing an amazing job, Fellow Parents! Even though it may not seem like it sometimes, your children know that you love them and they will always love you, too.
